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via RantingsbyMM by MarinaM on 5/25/08
I went to a special event last night. Unfortunately I can't publish any photos or names because it was a confidential event. But last night I went to the wedding of two HIV-positive people, whom I'll call M (the groom) and J (the bride).I've known M for a while. He's been HIV-positive for some time, acquired through the sharing of needles through drug use. He's been in and out of rehab centres several times, none of which helped. Eventually he found an NGO which suited him better and he cleaned up. Since then he's been working at various NGOs as an outreach worker, helping other drug users understand the dangers of HIV.
M has actually been one of the few HIV-positive Malaysians who has been on TV talking about what it's like to live with the virus. He is, like many drug users I have known, intelligent and articulate, able to talk with conviction about what it was like to be a drug user and then to find out that he's been infected. He can be emotional but is dignified always, never putting up with the pitying condescension that others sometimes inflict on those they deem 'less fortunate'.
I don't know J at all. All I know is that she became HIV-positive through her husband who left her with three children now aged 15, 13 and 8. From going to support groups for other HIV+ women, she started work as a peer counselor at PT Foundation and that's how she came to meet M.
Yesterday they had their akad at a masjid in Kampung Baru and then bersanding at PT Foundation's centre at Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman. It was very much a community wedding. The staff and members of PTF come from the community themselves, that is, they are almost all former drug users, sex workers, transgendered persons and single mothers. They worked together to have the first ever wedding at their place and it came out beautifully, with hantaran, a pelamin, two MCs who were as smooth and slick as any on TV, dancers welcoming the newlyweds, the whole works. Hubby and I were Guests-of-Honour ( my parents were originally invited but they are in Japan) so we had to lead the merenjis ceremony, followed by other guests and M's parents and older sister.
The most impressive thing for me was the fact that M's family was there. Both his parents, two of his sisters along with their spouses and children came to celebrate with them. I spoke with his Mum, who speaks perfect English along with his sisters who are both PhDs, one who works as a civil servant and one a lecturer. It's not the type of family you usually associate HIV+ people with ( and that's if you believe stereotypes) but it's clear that M comes from a highly-educated family.
M himself admitted that he never thought his family would be so supportive. It just goes to show, he said, that sometimes HIV+ people's fear of their own families is unwarranted. He said he did worry about telling his parents that he was marrying not just a woman who has three kids but also one who is HIV+. But before he could tell them, J had already told his mother about her status. His Mum simply asked him if it was true and when he said it was, she just nodded her agreement. I guess she knows that nobody knows more about what it means to be HIV+ than another one. I felt particularly touched when M's parents went up to merenjis because it really showed how much the union had their blessings.
The whole process of getting married is a tedious one for anyone. For HIV+ people it's worse. M and J come from different states. M firstly had to ask permission from his hometown to get married in KL. To do that, the authorities wanted proof of his previous divorce. Unfortunately it had been so long that he could neither remember the date nor produce any documents to show that he had indeed dissolved his previous marriage. It was only when his father stepped in that the authorities relented.
Then they had to submit to the mandatory HIV test. J comes from Selangor where it is required, as does Perak where M comes from. But both already know their status and were not hiding it from each other . (The purpose of the HIV test is supposedly so that nobody marries someone who's HIV-positive unknowingly). At first the religious authorities insisted that they had to still do the tests. Finally M got a letter from his doctor to confirm his HIV status and went to his hometown to submit it.
There, they insisted on counselling him. This is how it went:
"Bagaimana kamu dapat HIV?"
" Saya dijangkiti semasa saya berkongsi jarum sambil mengguna dadah."
"Aha! Saya dah teka, tentu itulah caranya kamu dapat!"
After that, M told the officer that he didn't want to be 'counselled' by him and that was that.
At the khenduri, I met another old HIV+ friend who introduced me to his wife and two kids. Like M, he had married an HIV+ woman with children, a pretty young woman who was pregnant. Apparently their doctor had told them their viral loads (the amount of the virus in their bodies) was undetectable because they are on antiretroviral medicines so it was pretty safe to try for a baby. Hopefully they have a good doctor taking care of them and they should be able to deliver a HIV-negative baby. (To ensure this, the baby should be delivered by ceasarian section and she must not breastfeed it afterwards).
I was happy I went because it was a happy event. And it gives you hope that at least for some HIV+ people, life can be pretty normal. Still, the fact that I cannot put their names here is an indication that the stigma and discrimination attached to AIDS hasn't waned. While M and J may not mind too much, I still have to think of their parents and families. The stigma of AIDS throws up a wider net of discrimination than we think.
The 25th International Candlelight AIDS Memorial Day was last Sunday May 18. But we don't need a special day to remember those who have gone too early from an easily preventable disease, and to show our support for those still living and their families.
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